NovaNova

i live in a mid sized town in Germany and a few years ago my best friend did suicide with the pills He could find in His room, Same time when my father died cause of cancer and my grandma died too and my other best friend is death too and all that happened in 3 month after Till now i Just cant get Up with my life i got Depression really heavy Depression, the Last Abt 4-5 years im Just lying in bed and im scrolling through Tik Tok or i watch Animes and my neighbours try to encourage me to get Out and be myself or at least Fight for myself, at this Point where i am now i REALLY should act when they threaten me but i Just say nothing ... Like Frozen, before everyone i REALLY Loved and admired died i Made Party nearly every day and after i lost that Loved ones i startet doing H and after 2years of Substitution (3times polamidon) i got to a Point where i was depressive psychotic anti social anxiety and Panic attacks Hearing voices people outside threatening me i didnt shower for months, after that i didnt do H again and got better, still reaaaly anti social... but after some time i startet Smoking cocain i Had 2 relationships in 5 years... before that period i Had at least every 1-3 month a girl at least for one night but now... nothing i dont know If i should try again to do Something stupid bc i already survived Like 15 Times ... i think i got a Guardian Angel idk what to do ...